


Another Dawn

by Bazylia_de_Grean



Series: Adra Bán [2]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: F/M, Gen, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, angst and death wish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 14:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13882485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bazylia_de_Grean/pseuds/Bazylia_de_Grean
Summary: She thinks of Maerwald and she is certain she will end up like him, too; mad and broken. She cannot go on like this. She just wants the whispers and memories gone, she just longs for silence.





	Another Dawn

There are whispers and flickering images at the edge of her sight and hearing and dreams – again – and no matter how much she tries to throw it all out of her mind, she cannot because it is not really there. It is in her soul, and it is not possible to cut out a piece of one’s own soul.

Eidis gets up and wraps a woollen shawl around her shoulders. Slowly, she walks over to the window and opens it wide, hoping that the twinkling of stars will replace the shimmering reflections of the past. The waning moon is a sharp white adra blade on the dark fabric of the sky; its light rips through her thoughts and pulls out a memory.

Glittering white adra knife. Warm, steady hands. Low, soothing voice.

She tentatively puts a hand over her heart – its beat seems oddly quiet in the silence of the night – and wonders if it would be like she remembers. If he would be… considerate. How frightening, to think of it this way… But she recalls his eyes, and how there was no malice in them – just… Perhaps at that moment, he was as close to mercy as he ever could. She remembers being grateful, despite the sorrow. It is terrible and it must be a sin for an Eothasian to wish the next dawn would not come – but she cannot help it. She recalls Maerwald, and then the memory of warm blood between her and Thaos’ laced fingers, and cannot help thinking death is not the worst that can happen.

She looks out of the window, draws in a slow breath, drinking deeply of the crisp night air. It calms her. It calms her to think that maybe everything will be over before she loses her mind – her sanity – herself. She looks out and across the meadows and forests, towards Defiance Bay, and thinks of the traces and soulprints she found in the underground temple, thinks of that meeting in the Sanitarium when he recognised her.

Sometimes, when they are on the road, she gets that strange feeling of a familiar presence just at the very edge of her consciousness, and wonders if it means that Thaos is somewhere close. If she could find him by following that sensation.

She looks across the landscape painted in shadows and moonlight, and wonders whether it would not be better to simply go to him, alone. Whether he would answer if she called him. Whether he would give her answers if she asked. If he would later grant her absolution, like he had done in that life she remembers. If he would see into her soul and find something that would convince him to take her fear and pain away. Or if he would not ever bother, and let his agents remove her out of his way.

No, she does not believe that. She desperately refuses to believe that. He might have not paid her attention, but she saw it – the slightly softer look when someone else’s eyes suddenly became his for an instant, the slightly smoother edges of the adra of his soul. He might have never noticed, but she refuses to believe that the first servant of the goddess of justice would refuse to even listen to her after he accidentally made a crack in her mind, after that wind which was magic and not wind at all tore her soul open. That might have been necessary for whatever he is planning – doing – but it was not just – she did not deserve it – she was innocent – she will not be, ever again, she will never be innocent and pure as she used to – he owes her for that, there is a debt he should pay. That is something even he would understand.

She turns that single memory over and over in her head, and thinks how it would be to look at his face and drown in his eyes and the soft darkness. Maybe it would be like falling asleep in his arms. She remembers that, too; it is sweet while she dreams, yet nothing but more torment when she wakes. He is… not a good man. But it is very difficult to explain that to her memory when it does not listen. Her soul is both in _here_ and _then_ , both seeing what the Leaden Key is doing and glowing at his kisses as it relives them again.

She cannot go on like that. She thinks of Maerwald and she is certain she will end up like him, too; mad and broken, screaming in fear one moment and calling Thaos’ name the very next.

Eidis doubles up and leans against the windowsill and clasps her hands over her mouth to stifle a sob. She cannot go on like this. She just wants the whispers and memories gone, she just longs for silence.

She does not delude herself that there is any sentiment left in him – that he had ever loved her – but maybe he would not refuse her because of that past life and her past unwavering loyalty. She remembers that he had never been unkind, that he had always noticed her doubts and…

Another memory surfaces, unbidden. The sweet scent of pilgrim’s crown in bloom, and Thaos’ warm fingers drawing a symbol of Eothas on her forehead.

“Never let your hope die down,” he murmurs, “and you will always carry light inside you.”

Eidis keeps herself from blinking for as long as she can, clinging to the memory, to the thoughtful expression on his face and that familiar, softer look in his eyes. Then she holds the image under her closed eyelids for a while.

And then she sighs deeply and opens her eyes. There a faint silver line over the horizon – the first light of dawn. She clutches at the windowsill so tightly her knuckles go white.

She will keep trying. Just another day. And then one more. A step, then another; just that. She has enough strength of will to make one more step.

People say Eothas is dead. She does not want to kill him in her heart, too.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism
> This author replies to comments.



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